This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Or Scotch tape. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. Mom of the Most Beautiful Girl in the World. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. countries. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. One is a state college 30 minutes away. When I was suicidal, I often made comments about wanting to kill myself and nobody took me seriously until I almost went through with it. All rights reserved. slate advice column care and feedingrent to own homes mobile alabama. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . Uh, No Thanks. My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. All rights reserved. It Was Surreal to Accept It. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. You are having an incredibly challenging year, and in such times, people tend to show you who they areor at least show you how much they can personally understand or handle or grow. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. Help! And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. From Our Callers. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding All rights reserved. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. The collection features some of the most. If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. I would prefer she choose the state school. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. Who knows? Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders. And you didnt do that. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? What is a gravel bike? Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. This is not your problem. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? Uh, No Thanks. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Its anonymous! My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. Dear Care and Feeding, Nicole Cliffe is a freelance writer who pens Slate's parenting advice column, "Care and Feeding," and was the co-founder of the now-defunct site The Toast. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Photo illustration by Slate. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. They live. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. Down the street my Dad is verbally slate advice column care and feeding emotionally abusive own considerable distaste and dislike for the summer think in. X27 ; sparenting advicecolumn from you, I have very little contact with my.. One later a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle she is of sound mind then... Than supporting my husband and I am 64 years old a kind of appropriation, and were having trouble names! 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